In the Dark

one_of_sixteen @ 2009-02-11T22:03:00

2009-02-12T04:04:11Z

Did I mention CRUSHING SELF DOUBT

CRUSH
CRUSH
CRUSH

one_of_sixteen @ 2009-02-01T11:20:00

2009-02-01T17:25:51Z

Things that have made me angry lately:

1) People (esp. girls) who pucker their lips in EVERY SINGLE picture they post of facebook. What the fuck.

2) People who REFUSE to do anything other than answer questions when you first meet them. I mean, it isn't a conversation if I have to keep thinking up things to ask, that's an interview.

3) "Better than you" attitudes.

- So, I've transferred to UCA and most people I've TRIED to talk to fit into either category two or three.

- I don't know how to feel about anything anymore.

- Crushing self doubt; but I'm trying to fight it.

- I CANNOT talk to quiet girls. I have no idea why.

- Maybe I have a really abrasive personality? Maybe I'm really ugly?

- I have the most annoying laugh, I'm only realizing this now.

- I touch my nose when I become self aware.

- My poetry workshop teacher doesn't write comments on my poems. I'm afraid of being way worse than everyone else in the class.

- I'm keeping poems for class and whatnot in a blog now. You can look at them if you want, they aren't very good. Here

one_of_sixteen @ 2009-01-12T20:10:00

2009-01-13T02:10:52Z

I know you are far away and having all kinds of fun in China but I'm here in Arkansas, and I'm lonely :(

one_of_sixteen @ 2009-01-08T21:35:00

2009-01-09T03:35:43Z

So, something in my head just clicked last night and all of a sudden I "get" My Bloody Valentine, and now I'm all "FUCKING LOVELESS" and no one cares.

one_of_sixteen @ 2008-12-05T01:27:00

2008-12-05T07:28:05Z

Man, I think that the best thing about Source Tags and Codes is that Trail of Dead NEVER fucking did anything that good ever again.

Deep Dark Secrets

2008-11-06T06:58:38Z

Deep Dark Secrets:

1) When I was really young and someone would make me upset I would go into my bedroom and lay on the bed, cry, and wish that I would die before they got a chance to apologize; that would sure have showed them.

2) Sometimes I hope I get hurt or sick so people will have to come tell me how much they care about me

3) I hate people because they have it worse than me and I hate them because they have it better

4) It's hard not to fall in love with every girl I meet

5) And I hate them when they don't feel the same way

6) Most of the time I fake like I don't care. I care way too much.

7) I only tell people I think you're a bitch because I really just want to be friends, and you know what, I don't feel like you are trying in the slightest. So I call you a bitch behind your back and tell people that I hate you, it makes it a lot easier to deal with the rejection.

8) It's really sick the way that I want to protect my own emotions, so I hate and I avoid and I lie and go out of my way to mask that hurt with something a lot more evil.

9) In the 1 and 1/2 years that I've lived at my apartment I've only had two people come over for more than 10 minutes and actually hang out. I get so lonely at night.

10) It's really hard for me to not consider you a friend anymore, because we used to stay up late and talk and tell secrets. I knew you really well and we got along and everything, we even lived together for years. Even though sometimes you were annoying or whatever it makes me feel like we can be friends anymore, especially because you are so far away and on the other hand because everyone else I know hates you now.

11) I'm afraid that next semester when I live at my parents house and all my friends are far away that I'll end up wanting to kill myself. I've lived at my parents house the past 3 summers and each time I wanted to. It's become routine to hang out with friends until 1 or 2 AM even on school nights, I'm worried that I won't hang out with anyone at all.

12) I'm afraid to tell people what bothers me or what I think about because I'm afraid they'll either think I'm a terrible person or think that I'm just a whining about nothing, or worse; both.

one_of_sixteen @ 2008-11-03T11:23:00

2008-11-03T05:26:17Z

These are true:

- I only tell people that I think you are a bitch because I really just want to be friends.

- I want to talk to you about what it was like to be a child.

- I don't want you to die.

- I'm really glad I'm leaving because I don't like you and I don't have to see you anymore.

- I'm really glad I'm leaving, even though I like you, because I don't want to see you anymore.

*not every you is you

one_of_sixteen @ 2008-10-23T01:47:00

2008-10-23T07:00:37Z

Here's what I want to do this weekend.

How about you come over. I'll make a pot of coffee, we'll sit around and talk about stuff for a while. I can tell you all about Buddhism in Tibet or the Daodejing. We can read a few Haikus, my favorites and yours. I put on some sad French film and turn off the subtitles, and we can just sort of feel the movie, and never know what they are saying. Then later we can stand outside with jackets on. I'll play the mix Cd I've been making for you, but I won't tell you that it's for you, and I won't burn it and give it to you, I'll just sort of gauge if you like it. I've got a much better one in mind anyway. When it gets about 11 we can go for a drive and turn off the heat in the car and roll down the windows until it gets real cool, and you can look through my CD's and pick the one that you might know some songs on. We can go out to the country maybe, if you aren't doing anything on Saturday morning, I know a great little place where we can drive and it'll be real quite and maybe a little scary. Then we can stop and maybe walk about a mile back and forth down the highway, and I'll let you borrow my jacket because you forgot to bring yours with you and didn't get cold until we were just a little too far away. We can talk about our favorite books and movies, and have a lengthy discussion about something completely silly, like if Wrath of Kahn was more watchable than Voyage Home, even if Wrath of Kahn was the overall better picture. I'll quote a bunch of Seinfeld episodes and tell you why George is my favorite. You can think what you like about that, but secretly you'll be impressed. By about 1 AM you'll get tired and I'll offer to drive us back to my place, but you'll insist that the stars are too nice outside to go back just yet. I'll ask you if you feel small when you look at them; I'll mention that most people probably do. When you ask me I'll just say it makes me remember that when people grow up they grow far away, and we'll be quiet for a while. On the drive back I'll mention that the leaves are dying, and you'll say sometimes you wish there were more songs about that. I'll say I like to pretend that there are, because Autumn sounding music is my favorite, even though winter tends to be brighter and sleepier and I'm usually feeling that way. You'll ask if Autumn makes me feel nostalgic. You'll have to drive back by yourself, and I say maybe we could get some lunch on Sunday, I'm not doing anything, and you'll say that would be nice, or maybe breakfast. I'll mention I haven't really eaten breakfast in forever, then say goodnight.

I can walk back inside but I'll probably walk around the little trail that runs around my apartment and go down to the little playground. It looks a lot smaller up close, and wonder what your thinking.

one_of_sixteen @ 2008-10-20T02:29:00

2008-10-20T07:33:17Z

Reasons Cole Glover is awesome:

- Always listens to whatever I have to say about anything no matter what
- Reasonable as hell
- Likes pretty much anything good
- Favorite Christmas movie is ALSO Home Alone (Pretty sure)
- Is consistently more awesome that you

one_of_sixteen @ 2008-10-14T03:05:00

2008-10-14T08:06:59Z

I want to make this video.
It would be a sort of spiritual journey...or I could call it that. Really, I just want to drive around to all the really big pictures and statues of Jesus in Arkansas and in between talk about metaphysics and philosophy.

I'm so scared all the time anymore.

2008-10-11T09:04:48Z

I've got to be honest: I'm so lonely and scared, most of the day, most of the days, most of the time.

one_of_sixteen @ 2008-10-04T05:01:00

2008-10-04T10:02:35Z

I have a crush on a girl.
It's weird because it feels nice.
Instead of feeling terrible.
Did I mention that terrible one is usual?

one_of_sixteen @ 2008-10-02T01:44:00

2008-10-02T06:46:29Z

Just now, I was trying to clear some space off of my laptop (by deleting about 1.5GB of Podcasts that I have/will never listen(ed) to), and I accidentally deleted my entire collection of Decemberists songs.

However, through the Wonders of the Internet, I now have all my music back, plus a few new EPs, plus some Tarkio songs, plus all the Collin Melloy Sings Eps. Life is now good again! :)

one_of_sixteen @ 2008-09-29T16:01:00

2008-09-29T21:02:43Z

I really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really want a cigarette right now!

one_of_sixteen @ 2008-09-29T03:33:00

2008-09-29T08:33:59Z

Autumn feels hopeless.
Winter feels lonely.
Spring feels restless.
Summer feels boring.

Another terrible year almost gone.

This always happens

2008-09-28T08:55:00Z

And I hate it.

one_of_sixteen @ 2008-09-15T01:01:00

2008-09-15T06:03:18Z

So, I'm listening to Calexico's Carried to Dust; at the moment, about three tracks in and not 100% sure what to think. There's a whole lot of good stuff here, the music is vital and alive, driving the songs without carrying them and without dwindling. The vocals are spot on, though maybe sometimes a little bit more lost within the music than I'd care for.

But while we're on that note: the music. Sonic soundscapes is a term thrown around far to much. It's simple without being repetitive, at times distorted but without coming off droney. Somehow dusty Nevada and grassy Georgia and dark downtown Memphis all in a row, but still distinctly conveying a uniform entity.

I've heard that Sam Beam guests on this album, and I'm looking forward to it, when I get to it. If I had to say something more, I'd guess that this is the type of thing that will have to grow on me a bit more. I'll give this disk a couple of spins and see how attached I can become.

one_of_sixteen @ 2008-09-13T03:03:00

2008-09-13T08:03:47Z

I have no idea why I don't listen to The Hold Steady more often.

one_of_sixteen @ 2008-09-11T22:28:00

2008-09-12T03:30:08Z

What's wrong with Pitchfork is that is SOMETIMES almost as much about the image as it is about the music.

And as every good hipster knows, the bands you like are only worth the amount of name-dropping cred you can suck out of them.

What's right with them is that they actually have the good sense to CRITICIZE things, whether anyone agrees or not. Not every album is good, or great, something most music critics would have a hard time admitting.

one_of_sixteen @ 2008-08-29T14:26:00

2008-08-29T19:26:54Z

OMG ----------------------------------------->

GTFO

one_of_sixteen @ 2008-08-28T00:18:00

2008-08-28T05:18:40Z

I always have the best of intentions of going to bed, that is until 12 hits then I just want to read web-comics, watch tv, and talk on the phone.

Also, I think I should edit this and say: Emotional conversations about relationship troubles with people you hardly know over the internet is certain not the way to make you feel good about yourself. Now I'm all worried about whether maybe I come on too strong, or not strong enough. I don't like to think that the social world is dictated by strict rules, other than treat everyone like a person and try not to say things that might be offensive before you know the person well enough to say them. I feel like I've been doing alright with making friends and generally trying to be an interesting and thoughtful person, but maybe that's not enough? I don't know, I think I need sleep.

Still, It's making me feel sad feelings.

one_of_sixteen @ 2008-08-22T05:34:00

2008-08-22T05:34:52Z

Degrees of Gray in Philipsburg
Richard Hugo

You might come here Sunday on a whim.
Say your life broke down. The last good kiss
you had was years ago. You walk these streets
laid out by the insane, past hotels
that didn't last, bars that did, the tortured try
of local drivers to accelerate their lives.
Only churches are kept up. The jail
turned 70 this year. The only prisoner
is always in, not knowing what he's done.

The principal supporting business now
is rage. Hatred of the various grays
the mountain sends, hatred of the mill,
The Silver Bill repeal, the best liked girls
who leave each year for Butte. One good
restaurant and bars can't wipe the boredom out.
The 1907 boom, eight going silver mines,
a dance floor built on springs--
all memory resolves itself in gaze,
in panoramic green you know the cattle eat
or two stacks high above the town,
two dead kilns, the huge mill in collapse
for fifty years that won't fall finally down.

Isn't this your life? That ancient kiss
still burning out your eyes? Isn't this defeat
so accurate, the church bell simply seems
a pure announcement: ring and no one comes?
Don't empty houses ring? Are magnesium
and scorn sufficient to support a town,
not just Philipsburg, but towns
of towering blondes, good jazz and booze
the world will never let you have
until the town you came from dies inside?

Say no to yourself. The old man, twenty
when the jail was built, still laughs
although his lips collapse. Someday soon,
he says, I'll go to sleep and not wake up.
You tell him no. You're talking to yourself.
The car that brought you here still runs.
The money you buy lunch with,
no matter where it's mined, is silver
and the girl who serves your food
is slender and her red hair lights the wall.

one_of_sixteen @ 2008-08-20T13:26:00

2008-08-20T13:51:47Z

First off I think that maybe I'd like to apologize to anyone that might actually read this because it seems all I ever go on and on about are touchy-feely girl problems and that the only reason I seem to come around and post is when I feel so bad I have to tell anyone and feel too self-conscious to actually think anyone would want to hear it. Either that or because I know that everyone is going to tell me the same old things that people always say when you feel bad because when you tell someone to feel bad two things happen. 1) You make the other person feel awkward, especially awkward if they are very excited about something, but on the off-chance that they aren't necessarily giddy over something (or, perhaps, over the very thing that you are sad over) and they actually care enough about you to be empathetic then you'll be lucky enough to only make them feel slightly awkward that you feel the need to say all the dark and ugly thoughts that most people tend to want to keep to themselves. Oh yes, and 2) they inevitably want to say something to make you feel better about yourself, the most common being (in the case of me pertaining to girl troubles) "she is *stupid/lame/etc/etc* if she doesn't do *blah blah blah* because you are super cool and *i'm obviously not saying this just to make you feel better, which is the reason that this is the first time that I've ever said anything at all along these lines, I mean really*. The other common "feel better" is that "everything will be alright" which is great for the prospect of eventually but doesn't do much for the reality of right now.

But I digress.

I guess I'll go on ahead and get this off my chest, and promise to maybe make a few posts about happier things later. It's hard when people connect and circumstances prevail that hinder the connection from going farther than a few nights of hanging around your friends awkwardly and a several anxious days of waiting for you to reply to the message that I sent you, however long and needlessly emotional it may have become over the endless scrutiny that I put it through while it said out on the dark, unforgiving, and unfortunately faceless, expressionless internet. When it eventually came to the point that I'd so mangled and forgotten exactly what the original idea was that I became embarrassed and terrifically worried over the fact that if you were going to take things we way I've grown to take them then my entire correspondence for this week (or two, damn your slow fingers) was really just an exercise in personal humiliation and torture.

It's true that most people are looking for some type of human connection, whether it be romantic or not. I also guess it's true that it is something written deep within our programing as animals that we need to procreate and survive, at least in some people, though maybe the mind is powerful enough to raise this to the status that some feel the need to ignore, avoid, glorify, or otherwise put some type of unnecessary emphasis on it (either in the positive or the negative, and I'll go ahead and let you decide which is which).

There were a lot of wonderful words exchanged, on both ends, and things really got better for me there at the end and worse for you (so far as words go, that is). So I'll get it over with and say that at least for now (so I don't have to eat these words later), It's going to be hard for anyone to top this last one, and if they do it'll certainly be exciting. Until then I'll have to try and squeeze words out on my own I guess.

one_of_sixteen @ 2008-08-04T07:26:00

2008-08-04T07:26:39Z

You said when you broke my heart you'd be gentle. I hope you remember that promise.

We are the music makers and we are the dreamers of dreams

2008-07-15T07:11:26Z

In the back of my head there is usually this nagging telling me that you'll break me, clean get away. Well I say usually, but it's there this time too. I think the key difference is that I really could care less.

I'm happy.

Strange words coming out of my mouth I know.

I can't really describe what I think during all our conversations because the way you understand me and the way I understand you is outstanding. We could talk about all the little things in life, every single one. I just want to let you write a gospel for me, write one for you.

Everything that matters to you, when it matters to you, seems to matter to me. And all the little things that matter to me, when they matter to me, matter to you. And the fact that maybe they matter to both of us at the same time and we can talk about them and have nice chats. Then we can care about the others ideas and what we both have to say, and I can just enjoy every moment of you saying it. Maybe you could do the same, because isn't that what life really is about.

All I want to do is write sappy love songs and mean every silly word.